Three Little Pigs Plus

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By Robert Whelan

A brief synopsis of the three little pigs story begins with the brothers being sent out into the world by their mother, to “seek their fortune”. But first, before setting about to do that, each built a house. One of straw, one of wood, and one of brick. Enter the wolf, yearning to have a pork dinner. He quickly, blows down the first two in a rather clumsy attempt to get the pigs.. They are on to him and quickly flee to the brick house the third pig had constructed. They watch as the wolf proceeds to bungle the whole effort by trying to blow down a solid brick house. The wolf, obviously not the holder of a winning ticket in the brain lottery, should have known that would be a wasted effort.
So stupid is as stupid does. And the wolf screws things up so badly he winds up in the pigs cooking pot. So here is where we pick up the story. The three little pigs have just finished devouring their boiled wolf dinner. They are relaxing in front of the fire with an after dinner Irish Crème. The topic of their after dinner discussion, is a continuation of about what to do about mom`s command that they seek their fortune.

It didn`t take them long to figure that the third little pig`s bricks seemed to be an answer to porcine security. A motion was made to consider opening a brick factory and manufacturing their already proven product. An incorporation plan was drawn up, and a lawyer chosen to proceed with incorporating their proposed Brick manufacturing enterprise.

In no time at all, the Brick Pig House Company was up and running. Business boomed, tons of brick pig houses were sold, and demand became increasingly intense. So intense that capitalization was required, pronto. Stock was issued, and by 1929, Brick Pig House stock had run up to become one of the hottest securities worldwide.
At a later date that same year, The Royal Horse Guard Regiment of London was experiencing a severe gap in its investment portfolio. Actually, they were quite up against a financial wall. A hot stock was just what was needed to replenish a pension fund for retired officers. Leftenant Colonel Dunphrey, Chief of Regimental Finance, was in charge of the regimental investment fund. It needed to regain its solvency soon, or he would be in deep trouble. On the morning of October 29th. Dunphrey was perusing the Daily Times at breakfast. and was astounded when he read of the meteoric rise in Brick Pig House stock on Wall Street. Just what the King`s Horses needed to juice up their pension fund. What a hero he could be. His rubbed his hands in glee. As soon as he got back to headquarters he would cable the regimental investment firm in New York.

Unfortunately, he was delayed, and didn`t arrive back in headquarters until after 2:00 in the afternoon. He, immediately summoned his clerical staff to cable the regimental Wall Street stockbroker and invest the entire regimental 100,000 pounds pension fund in Brick Pig House stock.

The only clerical staff member available at the time was a lady with an extreme Cockney accent. Dunphrey did his best to get through to her what he wanted done. Precise communication was, for both of them, a daunting task. But so vital to such an important transaction. Time was money in that case.

The 100,000 pound order went through just as the Wall Street opening bell rang at 9:30 AM New York time.. By closing time, 9:30 PM London time, the market had completely collapsed. At that same time Dunphrey was having an after dinner Irish Crème in the regimental Officers Club, when the news arrived. Every security invested in the New York market was now worthless. He just happened to be seated with the Regimental Commander, Brigadier Stanton Wall. He had just proudly told Wall about his brilliant investment. Now, the Horse Guardsmen were wiped out. There was nothing remaining of the pension fund. Dunphrey was completely responsible. One moment a brilliant investment the next, the Horse Guardsmen were completely broke. Dunphrey blanched, turned completely pale and hurriedly left the room
What happened next will never be clearly known. The next morning, Humphrey Dunphrey was found dead at the foot of the 8 story high wall of the Horse Guard Regimental headquarters.

When an American newspaper reporter was finally admitted to the headquarters to get the story for the American press, the only person still available to give him any information was the Cockney clerical staff person. He tried hard to make sense of her garbled Cockney accent. His report read:

Humphrey Dunphrey was Seated With Wall
Humprey Dunphrey Had a Great Fall
All the Kings Horse Guards and All the Kings Men
Couldn`t Get Humphrey Together Again