The 7 Unnatural Wonders of Man

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By Mary Fagan

Men are amazing, like the majestic Taj Mahal and the thundering Niagara Falls. Family members, who live in close proximity to these wonders, often give witness to their monumental abilities.

These awe-inspiring traits been known to bring women to tears or to make them utter strong emotional phrases intoned with prayer-like words on a regular basis. Let’s identify 7 of them to illustrate.

1. We begin with their ability to remember dates, names, places, plays and a plethora of meaningless sports statistics showing that he is capable of processing and retaining vast amounts of specific information. But conversely, male-pattern memory lapses for topics other than sports include important dates that should be permanently etched into their memories, and remembering items you sent them to the store to buy as the sole purpose of the trip. Tattooing important names and dates onto arms and legs was once mistakenly thought to be a sign of endearment but their true life saving function – to remember them – was discovered. “Post It” notes were invented to compensate for the later condition and so that families could have milk and bread with dinner.

2. Male olfactory ambivalence is a condition that has baffled females through the ages. Scientists theorize that males don’t actually smell many odors, especially those related to the human body, but are able to catch the scent of anything made from hops and malt from distances up to two miles away.

3. His hidden compass makes it possible for a man to find his way anywhere without the help of anyone else, even when he is lost. Like Magellan, they discovered that enough left turns eventually make it right. Women had to invent GPS devices to compensate for their lack of direction (and they named it “TomTom GO” for a reason).

4. Superior organizational skills for tools and auto parts is unprecedented, but this same male who can tell a Phillip’s head screwdriver is in the wrong slot in the toolbox at one at 100 paces, is unable to put the color-coded measuring spoons together and back in their proper place, confounding even girls among the Fisher-Price set.

5. A strong and magnetic attraction to power in any form controls various facets of his everyday life. Going beyond the obvious automotive items, it drives decisions to purchase things like disposals that can crush bones, tooth brushes with g-force and vacuum cleaners that can pick up bowling balls. Each item will get demonstrated, but like any foreign object, he will rarely use it for its intended purpose.

6. Not enough can be said about the male’s ability to bear pain, his endurance and superior physical strength. He was made with an arm of iron, but this same strongman will fear a mere woman, especially his woman. If she has the ability to turn words into sentences that make sense and make him stop and think, she is a formidable friend and/or foe. This friend/foe conundrum is often debated and is in the same category as the chicken or the egg question. (Well, for the man, that is. For the woman, it‘s a no-brainer.)

7. Last but not least is the male’s metabolic audacity to lose weight at the drop of a hat. In a matter of a week he can lose the same amount of weight that a female will struggle with for most of a decade. This infuriates the female, so knowing what is good for him (see #6), he will usually return to his poor consumption habits post-haste, and gain back the same weight he can easily lose again before his next doctor’s checkup.

And so we close with a clearer understanding for the true wonders of man. As with the other wonders of the world, which are also very humbling, it would only be natural for any woman to wonder how they could survive without us.