Someone for Everyone

[Total: 1    Average: 5/5]
By Jim Cornell

Brunhilda stirred the pot. “What the heck goes in this stuff?” she thought. It had been so long since she cooked up a potion her mind was a blank. How did that old witches song go?

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the caldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,

“And, and, and…… ” Her mind was blank again.

“Well I don’t have snakes, newts, frogs, or bats,” she thought. She looked at poor old Rheingott her mangy dog lying by the fire. No, even she couldn’t be that evil. He needed his tongue. “I’m sure I can substitute for some of those things. Spider webs, earth worms, cockroach heads, ….yeah they all sound kinda nasty, it’s the spell anyway, not the ingredients,” she comforted herself.

Brunhilda had lived in her dilapidated cabin for 175 years. She’d not seen another soul for the last 75. All the neighbors had either been turned into pillars of salt or had fled. She was a bit lonely. She remembered the loving husband of her youth (“too bad he pissed me off that time”). She’d like a little love in her life, evil just wasn’t as much fun when you didn’t have someone to share it with. One problem; she’d lost looks over the years. A once severely hooked nose had lengthened and drooped to her chin. Her previously sulfurous skin now sported dime size warts out of which sprang thick growths of hair. Her hair once full and matted was now as mangy as the dog’s. That was what the potion was for.

“If I do this correctly, eligible men will be attracted from all over the land and they will see a lovely young woman. I will be the perfect embodiment of beauty and sensuality. The essence of Cleopatra, Lady Godiva, and Sophia Loren,” she gloated “and by the time the potion wears off, they will be mine!”

This scene was being repeated in a moldy cave many miles away. Helmfried, the old hermit wizard was cooking up his potion. After ingesting it, he knew, all the lovely young women in nearby villages would be attracted to the forest. And instead of seeing an ancient ruin of a man with the fallen face of a December Jack-o-lantern and the body of a leprous hippo, they’d see the incarnation of male beauty. An irresistible combination of Adonis, Rudy Valentino, George Clooney and Danny DeVito. By the time the potion wore off she’d be hidden away in his cave.

The most effective time for such an endeavor, of course, was the time of the full moon. That night they both imbibed their potions and set out into the woods looking for love.

Needless to say they came upon one another in a perfect Druidic grove, the stately oaks casting twisted shadows over their beautiful faces and forms. It was as easy as they’d hoped and soon they were in Helmfried’s cave enchanted with one another. The night was long and when they awoke in one another’s arms, the potion had worn off. They looked at one another with wide eyes. Their mouths drooped open and together they cried out, “MORE POTION”.