I Am a Facebook Loser

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By Mary Fagan

Yes, that is me. I opened a Facebook account just to cash in on $25 worth of free advertising. I wanted to remain anonymous so I posted no photos, etc. that would identify me. Low and behold, my nephew found me, told my kids, and then all hell broke lose. According to them, this makes me a big loser as the site is for younger people – younger people than me.

If you don’t know, Facebook is a social networking site. People go online there to keep in touch, share news and photos and meet new people in the virtual sense. As a parent, I was unaware of just how exclusive this experience is.

You see, according to my children, lame, lonely, pathetic, friendless, or people of dubious character are who make up the Facebook older set. (And how is this like me? Don’t they understand the value of a dollar? I said free advertising – $25 worth. What’s not to understand?)

I laughed when my husband’s friend, who is even older than me, found me on Facebook. My kids really like him and think he is cool. I thought his acceptance of me would get me a bit of a pass, but no. They said he is a loser too. I plan on breaking this to him gently as he is older and probably can’t handle too much stress or excitement.

While I was on Facebook, I noticed something called a poke. Not having a clue what it was and being terminally curious, I poked my daughter. Nothing happened. Until about four hours after when she sent me a seething e-mail about not poking her again and another dire warning to stay off of Facebook.

It seems a poke is nothing. The other person just gets an e-mail saying that so-and-so poked you. This simple little virtual mode of annoyance made me want to poke and poke her again.

Why is it, that after all these years, my kids don’t learn how to manage me? If they really wanted me to get off of Facebook, they would constantly pester me, fill my space with useless drivel and ask me incessant questions like they do in real life. With this mystery unsolved, my Facebook account lives on as entertainment.

In a strange twist of fate, I have become a kind of status symbol with my daughter’s peers. She told them about my hideous Facebook membership, and much to her chagrin, becoming my friend is all the rage. Her friends are bragging over how fast I accepted them online, and one was even worried about getting rejected. I haven’t been this popular since high school.

I admit that I felt a bit overexposed when my niece found me and posted photos of me sewing on a quilt with my reading glasses on so that I look like Granny Moses’ older sister. All I needed was a shawl. Oh, wait, that was on my lap.

At least she posted a more flattering one of me vamping under a Twilight movie poster that she took when I dropped the kids off at the theater recently. Lest you think that I am really a loser, I didn’t watch Twilight at the theater. I just picked the kids up there. I noticed that the audience was about 99.8% teens and young adults and I know my place.

Boy, I would have been a real loser to have gone in to watch it with them.

Instead I read the books. I prefer to be a loser in the comfort of my own home.